The mister and I have been in a funk lately. I had a week’s worth of spring cleaning then a big yard sale during spring break, an all day expo for work, a big birthday party to throw the week after, then Easter, then another birthday to celebrate. I know that you know busy!! Well, I wore myself out. The week before Easter I came down with strep and let me tell you, it kicked. my. butt. On top of that, during my week and a half of misery, two of the kids got the stomach bug!
I’m feeling better now and we’ve gotten through the sickness and busy schedule but we’re honestly just not back into our normal relationship rhythm yet. We’re just not feelin’ it. You know what I mean? We’re in that funk where we’re irritated with each other and not getting along that well. He feels unappreciated and on the back burner. I feel nagged and unloved. When I recognize we’re in that funk again (yes, again, because let’s face it, marriage is a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs. Not the first funk, won’t be the last) it’s a cue for me to make a conscious effort in wifing to get us back on the up&up. I can use wifing as a verb, right?
[click_to_tweet tweet=”‘Let’s face it, marriage is a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs.’ @TruDev2Him #truthbomb #marriagewisdom” quote=”‘Let’s face it, marriage is a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs.'” theme=”style7″]
So, how do I do that?
I make a major effort to do things that I know are important to him…house cleaning, initiating sex, laundry, looking nice, and keeping the kids accountable on their jobs (that’s what we call their chores). Know what your husband holds important. These are the things that he makes sure to do himself or gets that happiness about that you can actually see in his face. Once you have an idea of tasks that he prioritizes, do a few and watch his reactions. If he responds with a compliment, gratitude, a pleasant mood, or actions that you prioritize then you’ve got a toolbox of tasks you can use to bring your marriage out of the funk.
Speak his love language.
My hub’s primary language is gift giving and his secondary acts of service. My primary is physical touch while my secondary is words of affirmation. This means he speaks AND hears love in those languages. I speak and hear love in mine. Not having the same languages makes it tricky! So anytime we get in a funk, I know I’ve got to dig deep and really work at speaking his love language well. Usually, when I speak his it triggers him to speak mine. 🙂 I come home to big kisses (my love language) and over the course of a few days time practicing his love language, we steadily climb out of our funk. Visit their website to figure out your love languages!
Don’t take the bait!
When people are irritated, they usually verbalize it. A lot of times it comes out as a negative, unproductive comment aka saying something ugly or snarky. Then the other person lashes back and so on and so forth. This is so, so hard but I have to try to stay happy when we’re in a funk. Now do I chat it up and offer hugs and smooches…no. Keeping a positive mood though and not getting wrapped up in those irritable emotions can diffuse SO much tension!! Hint – this is easier when I walk away and give him – both of us – our own space. It simply lets him know that I don’t hate and resent him. I know that his words are coming from his irritability and not from his heart. It keeps the home from turning into a sour environment.
My mom always tells me I’m the emotional hub of the family. She’s so right. The woman is the love, peace and happiness inside the home. Keeping your mood calm and positive in the tension can completely change the atmosphere and restore the peace.
Keeping a positive attitude doesn’t mean sweeping everything under the rug or silently taking insults. I have to
- Process the anger internally
- Be honest in my reaction, and
- Move on with a pleasant attitude
This works for me because usually my man will make a sarcastic or rude remark and then shut down because he’s angry. So if he says something that honestly upsets me, I try to calmly be honest in how I feel about it. It’s usually “That was not nice.”, “I don’t find that funny. It crosses a boundary.”, or simply “I’m upset with you”. It’s important to use sentences that start with “I” to avoid accusatory tone (read about that here). Author Hal Runkle says “Ouch.” can diffuse a situation that using other words in would lead to multiple emotional reactions…not good ones.
Show him respect.
What does your man do right? What do you admire about him? What made you fall for him? Either tell him face-to-face or text him that you really appreciate and respect the way he _________ . Then leave it. Just showing that respect does wonders for getting out of the funk.
We all get into funks sometimes. People get sick, worn out, overwhelmed, and grouchy. They take it out on the people they feel most comfortable with, meaning the wife LOL 😉 I have to remind myself when I figure out we’re in a funk that it’s not the end of the world and this too shall pass. Then I put on my figurative big girl panties (you know, the ones he likes haha) and put forth the effort to get off the downward funk ride and back on the right track. Within a few days, we’re back to smiling at each other again. 🙂
Want to take the lead and start getting off the funk ride? Take the “Wife for the Win” marriage challenge
Hang in there friend!