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Best Kept Secrets Shared Sex Advice for Christian Women

Best Kept Secrets in the Bedroom Shared! Sex Advice From Seasoned Christian Mentors to Younger Wives

Guess what?! Christian women talk about sex! Gasp! So if you’re looking for a marriage blog that shys away from this topic, my blog probably isn’t the one for you. I’ve never quite understood the aversion to the topic.

Because the way I look at it, if you have kids people know you’re having sex. If you’re married, chances are you’re having sex. You better be! I realize it’s a personal matter that is shared by only you and your husband but I don’t quite understand why it’s such a taboo subject among Christian wives.

In the first place, God made sex. In his infinite wisdom He designed men and women to fit perfectly together. He knows exactly how to meld two souls together and create a bond that in fact only He could design. It’s a wonderfully mysterious miracle.

But alas, we live in a broken world and the act of sex has unfortunately been twisted by the enemy. Not only does society over sexualize almost everything but also portrays sex as a tool of manipulation, an avenue to power, and a thrill that can be casually had at one’s whim. It’s heartbreaking. Maybe that’s why we don’t feel we can talk about it?

Let’s Talk About It

Still, I feel godly women should rise up and share the good news about sex! Song of Solomon would’ve been considered Fifty Shades back in its day. Scandalous. Please don’t send me hate mail about Fifty Shades and please don’t go read it. Read Song of Solomon. Ok, back on track…

I’ve been fortunate enough to have a few godly women share advice on this so super sensitive subject. Let me tell you, I am so thankful for the women brave and bold enough to share sex advice with me as a young married. Not only just sex advice, but sex advice that aligns with scripture. I’d like to pass that along to you.

The best sex advice I ever received from Christian mentors passed down to you

Say No to Saying No

First, never reject him when he asks. Oh how I wish I could tell you I follow this and my Mr. has never been rejected. Wrong-oo! I still remember hearing this advice – sitting there pregnant with our third baby when a church mentor was telling us this tactic as a tool in her marriage “standard operating procedures” so to speak. It was a women’s retreat after the main speaker (yeah I don’t remember what they talked about) and 3-4 hotel rooms worth of young married women sat around this vetted wife who was willing to pour out advice and insight.

We were all rightfully astounded at this advice. The woman, let’s call her Lisa, talked about praying for the strength. She started doing so even before the wedding. She knew on her own it wouldn’t be possible but with God she could, would, do it. It is hard y’all! There are times when we’re holding on to some anger or resentment, avoiding an issue, or just don’t feel like it.

In addition to this Lisa shared wisdom on what rejection does to a man’s heart. Rejection can tear a man down little by little. It tells a man that he’s not worth it, that he’s not enough. One of a husband’s greatest emotional needs is respect. I struggle with understanding the difference between “love” and “respect”. So let’s dive a little deeper into this.

re·spect /rəˈspekt/noun
  1. a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.

Synonyms for respect are awe, esteem, honor, adoration, and high regard. Can you see the direct correlation between sex and respect? In his eyes, a woman who esteems and adores her man is excited to have him in bed. Rejection completely squashes that feeling of respect for him.

Sex is not just an emotional need for a man. He physically needs sex. Understanding this opens a new perspective. We need to shower, eat, rest. In similar ways, your husband needs sex. Next time we’re simply not in the mood we can try to remember this and be willing. Rather than rejecting our husbands we can make the mental decision to give him this sacred gift that God created and focus on reacting to what feels good for us.

Keep It Interesting

When we were 21 years old, we had next door neighbors that had been married for years longer than we had (our whopping 3 years haha) and had two tween daughters. They really came beside us and lived life with us. They invited us to cook outs, helped us learn the basics of owning a home, and showed me how to make pinto beans (from actual dried beans! authentic!). The wife, we’ll call her Angie, mentored me as a young wife and mom of 2. She passed down so much advice! Yep, even some sex advice.

You have to change things up and keep it interesting. She explained – sex can get boring if it’s the same thing year after year. You have to be willing to mix things up and have fun. Disclaimer; all this mixing up we’re talking about needs to be under the umbrella of God’s authority. Don’t take it as advice to sin.

Angie advised against favoring one position over others and to try creative positions. I remember seeing that they genuinely enjoyed being around each other, which was something that I hadn’t really seen in any of the marriages in my family. She taught that sex wasn’t an obligation or duty. Sex should be fun! Throw the pillows. Rip a pair of underwear. Dance. Use the washing machine, shower, or hammock! Don’t take it too serious and have absurdly high expectations. Sometimes it’ll be long, sweaty passion. Other times, it’ll be casual and lighthearted. You can even laugh during sex! Whaaaa?! Mind. Blown.

How Often?!

Lastly, a family member once made the offhanded comment that she made it a habit to perform every other night. Her reason? Her husband “became a big baby if he didn’t get enough”! I think I might’ve peed a little laughing so hard. She said it affectionately so don’t think she was venting. She was bragging! This stuck with me. I can’t tell you how often my husband and I were intimate in the early years of marriage because I honestly didn’t even take notice. I realize now that that is an important priority to at least be aware of how often you give sex to your husband.

Has it been a week? Two? Do you even know? Get into the habit by marking in your phone calendar with some secret emoji. I have a friend that uses the eggplant. Another uses the wind gust. I’ll let you figure out what they represent. Ha! Whatever emoji you choose as your inside joke, you’ll at least be able to figure out how often you are with your husband intimately and make adjustments as you feel necessary.

Now, I realize some women can go months without sex. But I truly believe the more often you engage in sex with your husband, the more your body adapts to wanting it. Remember, sex is emotional but there’s physical science behind it too.

By and large, those 3 pieces of information have stuck with me for over a decade, becoming a part of my marriage. These practices are part of who I am as a wife. I hope they are as eye opening for you as they were for me so many years ago. These women probably don’t even realize how monumental their stories and advice were for me (& more than likely others they shared it with). I’m so thankful for the brave godly women that He has sent my way throughout my life so far and for His gift that is passionate, enjoyable married sex. Now quit blushing! 😉

READ RELATED: 4 TIPS FOR STAYING ENGAGED IN THE BEDROOM

UPDATE 11/22/2019: It’s been over a year since I originally published this advice and judging by comments here and on social media, it hit a nerve with many. This update is to clarify a few things. A man does not have the right to force himself on his wife. The Bible doesn’t allow it. The law doesn’t allow it. These tips are for healthy marriages. A marriage in which a husband loves his wife, would lay down his life for her, respects her boundaries, and makes kind advances towards her. I am a wife. Therefore the advice I give is directed only towards wives. I firmly believe that I am only responsible for my actions. The advice to never reject a husband’s request (keyword there!) for sex is the wife’s decision and only she can make it. The wife that made this decision though enjoyed the tremendous benefits of a healthy intimate relationship with her husband. In fact, all of these wives did. I encourage you to intentionally invest in your sex life with your husband.

Thank you for showing up to read!

XOXO,

Lauren of Truly Devoted to him sign off and circular photo

To get to know me better, read more about me & my saved love

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21 thoughts on “Best Kept Secrets in the Bedroom Shared! Sex Advice From Seasoned Christian Mentors to Younger Wives”

  1. We become ONE BODY in marriage. A husband’s body is the wife’s body and wife’s body is the husband’s body. We are to give ourselves freely to each other in marriage. It helps to keep this in mind when thinking of refusing to give your body to the other person.

    Yes, one can still be raped in marriage, but we should not refuse our spouse’s advances without good reason. They have a right to our bodies, but they have to respect our needs as well out of love.

  2. It depends on how often he asks for sex and whether she has it in her to give it responsively every time. If he has a very high sex drive, he needs to make sure that his requests are reasonable. It’s okay to ‘want her to want it’. But with the best will in the world, she might have her limits, and that’s okay too. Sometimes her need might be less of his need. Compromise and communication are the key. Being a big baby about it is not attractive.

  3. Thank you for the post! I have actually been married for 2 months now and soaking up any advice that I may get. I understood this very well, even the “saying no to saying no”. I know that did not include times where I am sick or not feeling well, and I really do see the reasoning behind it. Can’t wait to see more posts!

  4. This is right on point, I also can state my testimony for God’s glory. I am a Christian wife of 19 years. This all is crucial to a happy marriage. So often we here marriage is 50%/50%, but really it is 100%/100%. Men and women operate and think so much differently. This last year was the most challenging year yet, through this season I became aware of how important sex is for men. Yes, it is like needing food, water and rest for them. After much research, and advice from other Christian wives, I too began to change things up and yes sacrifice. It sounds crazy but I found myself having more fun along the way and it was definitely one of the main reasons my marriage survived. It is so true when you say that only God can create this bond. Thank you for sharing.

    1. Chloe, I am very sorry to hear about your experience. Truly Devoted to Him in no way defends abuse from either spouse in a marriage. The key word in this post is “ask”. Rape is not asking. Again, I very much wish you recovery, safety and happiness.

  5. I’m very disappointed in the comment about not saying no to your husband when he asks for sex, as a woman who was RAPED by her husband because she said no, he beloved it was his right to just have sex with me whenever he wanted. This is not ok, if you are really not in the mood and really don’t want sex, your husband must respect your decision. No, you shouldn’t use sex as a weapon either, but to tell a young woman that she must have sex when her husband asks is literally telling her, it’s ok if your husband rapes you because it’s his right as you husband to have sex with you when ever he wants.
    God bless,
    Chloe

  6. Faleluafua Matatumua (Lua)

    I enjoyed reading this actually. If you can’t find the humour in this post, then it’s not for you, just as your thoughts are not for everyone either.
    Sex to me is such an important of marriage although not a necessity as I have friends who hardly have any, (mainly because their capacity to do is disabled by body habitus, old age…) but are just so inlove and content with each other’s company. But for those of us who still have the capacity to have sex married to gentlemen who narurally want to have sex more often than women, I agree here with Lauren. I don’t think she is saying to be sex slaves or yield to all of our husband’s sex demands, ofcourse we can say no now and then but to say no forever and or yes every 2-3 months, men do not always exoress themselves as well as women do and no sex dies chip away at them little by little.
    Unless you are sick or with medical taboos from sex, if you’re enjoying sex with yiur husband, either you’re lazy, no longer inlove with your spouse or inlove with another.
    And like every hurdle in our lives, we handle it together with God. Pray for guidance, pray for renewed love, pray before sex, pray for passionate love making, and even pray for exciting sex moves that both you and your husband can enjoy….and I mean only you and husband.
    Nothing wrong with being open minded, we will stray from being open monded only when we go off on our own.
    Fill out minds with thi hs that are good and noble.
    Sex is dirty only when you make it dirty.

  7. This is such an awful message, I hope young and impressionable women dont think that they MUST have sex so their husbands don’t feel bad. This is letting yourself be a tool of satisfaction. You do not have to do this if you don’t want to. It truly saddens me that you think like this and had advice given to you that your neighbor “performed” more because if not her husband would be “a big baby”. Please, get some advice from other women, if you think that you should do something because a man will whine…get a new man! He is Cleary unable to think rationally or be held accountable of his actions and feelings.

    1. I find this advice re never rejecting your husband disturbing and irresponsible. It’s not appropriate or safe in this forum and should be removed.

      1. Thank you both for your feedback. This website is about growing in your relationship as a wife, not getting into a new one when things don’t go a certain way. You will never hear me advise that. And while the man definitely has responsibilities this site is, again, for wives who are looking to grow and develop themselves for a healthy, long lasting marriage.

  8. Actually there are a few exceptions to the “Never say no rule”. If you are sick or not in the mood, postponing sex is actually beneficial. Also remember that you are also an important individual, and deserve proper looking after as well as your husband.

  9. I hear you. Was married & divorced. I’m alone over 20 yrs. And I stay away from dating. I don’t want to date just for the sake of it. I need to find someone who is serious about settling In marriage. Yes I believe your approach to Sex in marriage. We as a couple have to make it exciting and satisfactory for each other. I love sex but I made a pledge to be celibate until marriage.

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