Guess what?! Christian women talk about sex! Gasp! So if you’re looking for a marriage blog that shys away from this topic, my blog probably isn’t the one for you. I’ve never quite understood the aversion to the topic.
Because the way I look at it, if you have kids people know you’re having sex. If you’re married, chances are you’re having sex. You better be! I realize it’s a personal matter that is shared by only you and your husband but I don’t quite understand why it’s such a taboo subject among Christian wives.
In the first place, God made sex. In his infinite wisdom He designed men and women to fit perfectly together. He knows exactly how to meld two souls together and create a bond that in fact only He could design. It’s a wonderfully mysterious miracle.
But alas, we live in a broken world and the act of sex has unfortunately been twisted by the enemy. Not only does society over sexualize almost everything but also portrays sex as a tool of manipulation, an avenue to power, and a thrill that can be casually had at one’s whim. It’s heartbreaking. Maybe that’s why we don’t feel we can talk about it?
Let’s Talk About It
Still, I feel godly women should rise up and share the good news about sex! Song of Solomon would’ve been considered Fifty Shades back in its day. Scandalous. Please don’t send me hate mail about Fifty Shades and please don’t go read it. Read Song of Solomon. Ok, back on track…
I’ve been fortunate enough to have a few godly women share advice on this so super sensitive subject. Let me tell you, I am so thankful for the women brave and bold enough to share sex advice with me as a young married. Not only just sex advice, but sex advice that aligns with scripture. I’d like to pass that along to you.
Say No to Saying No
First, never reject him when he asks. Oh how I wish I could tell you I follow this and my Mr. has never been rejected. Wrong-oo! I still remember hearing this advice – sitting there pregnant with our third baby when a church mentor was telling us this tactic as a tool in her marriage “standard operating procedures” so to speak. It was a women’s retreat after the main speaker (yeah I don’t remember what they talked about) and 3-4 hotel rooms worth of young married women sat around this vetted wife who was willing to pour out advice and insight.
We were all rightfully astounded at this advice. The woman, let’s call her Lisa, talked about praying for the strength. She started doing so even before the wedding. She knew on her own it wouldn’t be possible but with God she could, would, do it. It is hard y’all! There are times when we’re holding on to some anger or resentment, avoiding an issue, or just don’t feel like it.
In addition to this Lisa shared wisdom on what rejection does to a man’s heart. Rejection can tear a man down little by little. It tells a man that he’s not worth it, that he’s not enough. One of a husband’s greatest emotional needs is respect. I struggle with understanding the difference between “love” and “respect”. So let’s dive a little deeper into this.
a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.
Synonyms for respect are awe, esteem, honor, adoration, and high regard. Can you see the direct correlation between sex and respect? In his eyes, a woman who esteems and adores her man is excited to have him in bed. Rejection completely squashes that feeling of respect for him.
Sex is not just an emotional need for a man. He physically needs sex. Understanding this opens a new perspective. We need to shower, eat, rest. In similar ways, your husband needs sex. Next time we’re simply not in the mood we can try to remember this and be willing. Rather than rejecting our husbands we can make the mental decision to give him this sacred gift that God created and focus on reacting to what feels good for us.
Keep It Interesting
When we were 21 years old, we had next door neighbors that had been married for years longer than we had (our whopping 3 years haha) and had two tween daughters. They really came beside us and lived life with us. They invited us to cook outs, helped us learn the basics of owning a home, and showed me how to make pinto beans (from actual dried beans! authentic!). The wife, we’ll call her Angie, mentored me as a young wife and mom of 2. She passed down so much advice! Yep, even some sex advice.
You have to change things up and keep it interesting. She explained – sex can get boring if it’s the same thing year after year. You have to be willing to mix things up and have fun. Disclaimer; all this mixing up we’re talking about needs to be under the umbrella of God’s authority. Don’t take it as advice to sin.
Angie advised against favoring one position over others and to try creative positions. I remember seeing that they genuinely enjoyed being around each other, which was something that I hadn’t really seen in any of the marriages in my family. She taught that sex wasn’t an obligation or duty. Sex should be fun! Throw the pillows. Rip a pair of underwear. Dance. Use the washing machine, shower, or hammock! Don’t take it too serious and have absurdly high expectations. Sometimes it’ll be long, sweaty passion. Other times, it’ll be casual and lighthearted. You can even laugh during sex! Whaaaa?! Mind. Blown.
Lastly, a family member once made the offhanded comment that she made it a habit to perform every other night. Her reason? Her husband “became a big baby if he didn’t get enough”! I think I might’ve peed a little laughing so hard. She said it affectionately so don’t think she was venting. She was bragging! This stuck with me. I can’t tell you how often my husband and I were intimate in the early years of marriage because I honestly didn’t even take notice. I realize now that that is an important priority to at least be aware of how often you give sex to your husband.
Has it been a week? Two? Do you even know? Get into the habit by marking in your phone calendar with some secret emoji. I have a friend that uses the eggplant. Another uses the wind gust. I’ll let you figure out what they represent. Ha! Whatever emoji you choose as your inside joke, you’ll at least be able to figure out how often you are with your husband intimately and make adjustments as you feel necessary.
Now, I realize some women can go months without sex. But I truly believe the more often you engage in sex with your husband, the more your body adapts to wanting it. Remember, sex is emotional but there’s physical science behind it too.
By and large, those 3 pieces of information have stuck with me for over a decade, becoming a part of my marriage. These practices are part of who I am as a wife. I hope they are as eye opening for you as they were for me so many years ago. These women probably don’t even realize how monumental their stories and advice were for me (& more than likely others they shared it with). I’m so thankful for the brave godly women that He has sent my way throughout my life so far and for His gift that is passionate, enjoyable married sex. Now quit blushing! 😉
READ RELATED: 4 TIPS FOR STAYING ENGAGED IN THE BEDROOM
UPDATE 11/22/2019: It’s been over a year since I originally published this advice and judging by comments here and on social media, it hit a nerve with many. This update is to clarify a few things. A man does not have the right to force himself on his wife. The Bible doesn’t allow it. The law doesn’t allow it. These tips are for healthy marriages. A marriage in which a husband loves his wife, would lay down his life for her, respects her boundaries, and makes kind advances towards her. I am a wife. Therefore the advice I give is directed only towards wives. I firmly believe that I am only responsible for my actions. The advice to never reject a husband’s request (keyword there!) for sex is the wife’s decision and only she can make it. The wife that made this decision though enjoyed the tremendous benefits of a healthy intimate relationship with her husband. In fact, all of these wives did. I encourage you to intentionally invest in your sex life with your husband.
Thank you for showing up to read!
To get to know me better, read more about me & my saved love
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44 thoughts on “Best Kept Secrets in the Bedroom Shared! Sex Advice From Seasoned Christian Mentors to Younger Wives”
Every Christian married couple needs to read 1Corinthians chapter 7. It explains the duty of both husband and wife toward each other. The husband yields to the wife and the wife to the husband. It is to prevent sexual sin on the part of either spouse. The Bible acknowledges that both men and women have a sex drive. Sex is about giving to your spouse. Not using your spouse for self pleasure. Not objectifying him or her. Not demanding to be serviced. It’s about loving and giving. Most sexless marriages are a result of husbands who use their wives and are selfish, only caring about their own pleasure. Of course their wives lose interest (if the roles were reversed they would, too). They claim their wives “have a low sex drive” when in reality it’s just boring to watch their husbands pleasure themselves while they ignore their needs. If you’re just going to be a receptacle for your husband what’s the point? A blow-up doll could serve that purpose. I’m amazed at how many Christian wives think they’re following the Bible by allowing themselves to be used as receptacles but never asking their husbands to reciprocate by giving them pleasure (yes, God gave women the ability to experience sexual pleasure, too). They think their sex lives are supposed to revolve around their giving their husbands pleasure. This is not biblical! God designed the female body to experience pleasure just like men. Sex is not supposed to be about a woman giving a man pleasure. It is supposed to be mutual. Husbands need to give to their wives, too. Married couples would have much happier sex lives if they realized this.
Last night I cooked my wife dinner. She enjoyed it and took great pleasure in mu cooking a meal for her. I didn’t then demand that she get up and do the same thing for me. Marriage is not quid pro quo. I can do something for her and not expect something in return. It’s a fact that the sex drive of a male is more intense than the female. That’s the way it is. Men need sex more than women. Men and women are not the same. God made the sexes to compliment each other, not compete with one another. Women can accept that or become man haters. I’m surprised you’ve been married as long as you have.
If a woman is living with a sex addict who doesn’t respect her needs, she needs to get out of that relationship. It isn’t healthy. Please have more respect for yourself. There’s more to a Christian marriage than being used for sex constantly. You have more worth in God’s eyes than that. There are better men out there. You don’t have to settle. It’s a myth that all men are sex-obsessed. There are plenty of men who have other interests and who don’t treat women like pieces of meat. They are hard working, good fathers, great companions, respectful, wonderful husbands. I married mine 32 years ago. There is hope.
The Bible makes it clear that both spouses are to yield to EACH OTHER! Sex is not just about the wife “giving sex to her husband”. The husband has to give to his wife, too. It’s mutual. If a husband is just using his wife for his own sexual release and not caring about giving her pleasure, he’s being selfish and not loving her as Christ loved the Church. Sex is about both husband and wife giving to each other. The wife is not supposed to “put out” or be the only one submitting herself. There is a husbandly duty as well as a wifely duty. In the Bible, sex in marriage is the duty of BOTH spouses to each other. It is not just the wife’s job to service her husband. Contrary to our society’s beliefs, the Bible acknowledges that both men and women have a sex drive and, except for periods of abstinence during prayer, married couples should render the marital debt to each other. A husband’s body doesn’t belong to himself but to his wife and a wife’s body doesn’t belong to herself but to her husband. It’s always mutual, never one-sided. Women are sexually mature adults who need sex, too. We don’t exist solely to give our husbands sexual pleasure. Sex is for our pleasure, too. God created men and women to complement each other, not for men to use women. I’ve been happily married for 32 years to a wonderful man and we have a healthy sex life because we both understand this and love and respect each other.
I say yes every other day 3 the max and I’m so drained I feel like I can’t keep up and this is leading me astray from maintaining a connection emotionally. I feel like a robot. The minute I say no, he whips out the Bible and reads “my body is not my own” I’m feeling down that I’m letting God down as a wife to my husband. I want to feel like I do have control over my body and can say no from time to time because I’m truly tired.
You are exercising faith and commitment by giving yourself to your husband. You are honoring him and your marriage and your marriage vowels. Insodoing you are honoring God. You have a right to confront him about using scripture as a hammer and leveraging you, but judging by your words you seem genuinely committed to meeyimg his needs. He must as a first right be dedicated to meeting yours as well.
GOD BLESS YOU for your commitment!! Thank you for not being one of the many feminist sea hags who deflect from responsibility on these types of blog sites.
You ROCK. KEEP GOING. Men may bear the responsibility of Spiritual Leader in a household but a good woman is the faithful glue that holds things together in the Power of the LORD and makes a good man better, and you are a GOOD WOMAN worthy of much respect. Your husband needs you whether he recognizes it or not. I will commit to prayer that he sees and recognizes that he has a faithful, loyal, devoted wife who will sex him properly as opposed to an American pickme girl feminist and that is worth more than all of the gold in the world. A worthy wife is a Queen and a Crown upon the head of a man, so take heart and God Bless you!!
He is also told to love his wife as Christ loved the Church. He is not doing that by arrogantly whipping out his Bible and demanding sex for himself. Sex should be about mutual giving, not one person using the other for his own pleasure. Where is the love in that? He needs to put his own pleasure aside and start caring more about your needs. He’s being selfish.
Ok how about if us men decide to stop fulfilling our role because we don’t feel like it. Honey I know that guy is attacking you but I don’t feel like protecting you right now. I don’t feel like coming directly home from work. I don’t feel like helping you with the kids. I don’t feel like going to work or paying the bills this month. Just what can the husband pass on because he doesn’t feel like it? That’s right, nothing.
I hear ya, man. I am a Senior Citizen who still owns a business and works every day. Yet I do all the food shopping, help straighten the house, and give my life for my wife every day. She knows I do and perhaps that is why we get along well sexually. She is a woman of faith, and like Sarah in her later years her beauty is still there, looking as good in our “only-at-home outfits” as a woman in her twenties or thirties with no wrinkles. Hardly anyone believes her age if she reveals it. I believe if women aim to please God and please their husbands as they please Christ, God will renew their strength and also make sex pleasurable for them. If a man is harsh to his wife or asks her to commit acts outside of God’s design for sex, I fully understand her hostility. Just be sure to do your part and ask God to enable her to do hers. I am a bivocational minister, and serve as an Evangelist as well as a businessman. When I was in training with nine other men under an Elder, he dealt with this area. I remember a high-testosterone fireman complaining that his wife “took too long”. The Elder rebuked him and said he had to make sure his wife was fully satisfied herself – sex is a two-way street after all, and that he could not properly lead the people of God unless he understood and practiced that. I consider that excellent advice. A mentor of mine was married seventy years and traveled the world. I asked him what was his secret. He told me that he NEVER took his wife for granted. He sought every single day a new way to win her love. Who can argue with a man married seventy years? I would suggest you try to follow his advice and see if your wife doesn’t catch fire and YOU will be the one crying for mercy…
You also need to make sure that sex isn’t all about your pleasure. Women work and pay bills, too. It’s your job to help with your own kids. That isn’t a favor to your wife. Men think sex revolves around them and then wonder why their wives aren’t interested. They’re narcissists. Newsflash! Women want to enjoy sex, too. They don’t exist to serve you sexually. You need to reciprocate. Give your wife pleasure! My husband prioritizes my “O” so guess what? He never complains about never getting any. He’s not selfish. He knows that sex is a mutual act that is about both the man and the woman giving and receiving pleasure. Amazing revelation, isn’t it? Too bad most men don’t get it so they would rather mope and nag. Oh, well. Live and learn.
Most women have a healthy sex drive but get bored waiting for their husbands to satisfy them. After sex they resort to their vibrators.Every woman has one in her night stand. Or she has an affair with a man who cares about her pleasure and doesn’t just satisfy himself. Only men who are so clueless that they don’t realize this still think women “don’t like sex”.
Everything is spelled out in the Bible and it’s clear our bodies are not our own, our bodies belong to our spouse. When my husband needs sexual release, I am happy to provide knowing I am the only one in the world who can provide it. My pleasure comes from pleasing my husband. It’s right there in the Bible.
God Bless You. You are a sister who Owns It. You know you got what he needs and hopefully he knows what you got. Awesome, awesome stuff. I speak for all Christian men everywhere in saying that you are the type of real woman any man would kill for.
Do you satisfy your wife? Because the Bible tells you that your body belongs to her. You have to render the marital debt to your wife. It works both ways. Husbands have to yield to their wives, too. It’s mutual.
Thanks for saying the truth out loud, Jargon. With you 100%
It’s also in the Bible that your husband’s body belongs to you. It’s mutual. He’s supposed to render the marital debt to you, too. Why did you only read one half of the passage? There’s a “husbandly duty” as well as a wifely duty.
Do you realize that God gave you the ability to experience sexual pleasure, too? Women’s bodies have nerves, too. God designed women’s bodies to enjoy sex and not just as receptacles for our husbands’ sexual release. Women have a sex drive, too. It’s sad to read that a woman only enjoys sex when she gives her husband pleasure but she never experiences it herself.
We become ONE BODY in marriage. A husband’s body is the wife’s body and wife’s body is the husband’s body. We are to give ourselves freely to each other in marriage. It helps to keep this in mind when thinking of refusing to give your body to the other person.
Yes, one can still be raped in marriage, but we should not refuse our spouse’s advances without good reason. They have a right to our bodies, but they have to respect our needs as well out of love.
It depends on how often he asks for sex and whether she has it in her to give it responsively every time. If he has a very high sex drive, he needs to make sure that his requests are reasonable. It’s okay to ‘want her to want it’. But with the best will in the world, she might have her limits, and that’s okay too. Sometimes her need might be less of his need. Compromise and communication are the key. Being a big baby about it is not attractive.
True. In many marriages, the wife is the one with the higher sex drive. Spouses need to exercise self control and respect each other. No one should feel used.
Thank you for the post! I have actually been married for 2 months now and soaking up any advice that I may get. I understood this very well, even the “saying no to saying no”. I know that did not include times where I am sick or not feeling well, and I really do see the reasoning behind it. Can’t wait to see more posts!
Thanks Daci! & CONGRATULATIONS!! 🙂
This is right on point, I also can state my testimony for God’s glory. I am a Christian wife of 19 years. This all is crucial to a happy marriage. So often we here marriage is 50%/50%, but really it is 100%/100%. Men and women operate and think so much differently. This last year was the most challenging year yet, through this season I became aware of how important sex is for men. Yes, it is like needing food, water and rest for them. After much research, and advice from other Christian wives, I too began to change things up and yes sacrifice. It sounds crazy but I found myself having more fun along the way and it was definitely one of the main reasons my marriage survived. It is so true when you say that only God can create this bond. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing!! 🙂
Chloe, I am very sorry to hear about your experience. Truly Devoted to Him in no way defends abuse from either spouse in a marriage. The key word in this post is “ask”. Rape is not asking. Again, I very much wish you recovery, safety and happiness.
I’m very disappointed in the comment about not saying no to your husband when he asks for sex, as a woman who was RAPED by her husband because she said no, he beloved it was his right to just have sex with me whenever he wanted. This is not ok, if you are really not in the mood and really don’t want sex, your husband must respect your decision. No, you shouldn’t use sex as a weapon either, but to tell a young woman that she must have sex when her husband asks is literally telling her, it’s ok if your husband rapes you because it’s his right as you husband to have sex with you when ever he wants.
I enjoyed reading this actually. If you can’t find the humour in this post, then it’s not for you, just as your thoughts are not for everyone either.
Sex to me is such an important of marriage although not a necessity as I have friends who hardly have any, (mainly because their capacity to do is disabled by body habitus, old age…) but are just so inlove and content with each other’s company. But for those of us who still have the capacity to have sex married to gentlemen who narurally want to have sex more often than women, I agree here with Lauren. I don’t think she is saying to be sex slaves or yield to all of our husband’s sex demands, ofcourse we can say no now and then but to say no forever and or yes every 2-3 months, men do not always exoress themselves as well as women do and no sex dies chip away at them little by little.
Unless you are sick or with medical taboos from sex, if you’re enjoying sex with yiur husband, either you’re lazy, no longer inlove with your spouse or inlove with another.
And like every hurdle in our lives, we handle it together with God. Pray for guidance, pray for renewed love, pray before sex, pray for passionate love making, and even pray for exciting sex moves that both you and your husband can enjoy….and I mean only you and husband.
Nothing wrong with being open minded, we will stray from being open monded only when we go off on our own.
Fill out minds with thi hs that are good and noble.
Sex is dirty only when you make it dirty.
correction: if you’re NOT enjoying sex with your husbands…..
This is such an awful message, I hope young and impressionable women dont think that they MUST have sex so their husbands don’t feel bad. This is letting yourself be a tool of satisfaction. You do not have to do this if you don’t want to. It truly saddens me that you think like this and had advice given to you that your neighbor “performed” more because if not her husband would be “a big baby”. Please, get some advice from other women, if you think that you should do something because a man will whine…get a new man! He is Cleary unable to think rationally or be held accountable of his actions and feelings.
I find this advice re never rejecting your husband disturbing and irresponsible. It’s not appropriate or safe in this forum and should be removed.
Thank you both for your feedback. This website is about growing in your relationship as a wife, not getting into a new one when things don’t go a certain way. You will never hear me advise that. And while the man definitely has responsibilities this site is, again, for wives who are looking to grow and develop themselves for a healthy, long lasting marriage.
Hi there! I’m curious, how long have you been married?
I’m sorry, this question is for Ashleigh.
I hope you’re not married. You sound very wounded and have been given bad advice. It appears you didn’t read, fully, the context of this blog. Get help before you get married, and if you already are, then you might review this blog again and/or search out advice from more open-minded women before you see your man with someone much more compatible to him. Right now, you are on a disaster course.
Sure glad I am not married to Ashleigh! A tool of satisfaction??? Get a new man? Seriously? My wife and I total 159 years of age and have been married for 48 years so we were not children when we married. We enjoy sex about once every three days which is on par with the 18 to 29 year old age group which has the most. I would prefer a bit more, but can live with that. So MANY Christian men are deeply deprived of sex and affection and it is enough to make one cry. My brother-in-law was talking to a Bishop and he said many of his peers complained they were lucky to have sex twice a year. Their wives thought they were “too sanctified” for it. Totally ignorant of the letter and the spirit of scripture! Many of those church leaders were having affairs. No wonder churches are in deep trouble! Most women do not understand men and love to evade or talk around the commandment not to deprive their husbands. If a woman has a low sex drive or does not deeply desire sex, it is likely God wants her to remain single and commit herself to the work of the Lord as Paul instructed. To marry anyway and play “catch me if you can” is a recipe for unhappiness for both of you and places deep temptation on the man and in fact is fraud – you are becoming one flesh, and not just on rare occasion. The act of marriage IS sex. So many who will not yield to a physical affair still turn to chat rooms and porn and the woman is not guiltless in this adultery. God created sex and the need for it so simply be fully satisfied once you are married. For a man to obey God and wait for marriage and THEN have to wait in marriage – sometimes almost endlessly – for a wife for no good reason is a crime.
There is no ” commandment not to deprive their husbands”. There is a passage on spouses both rendering the marital debt to each other. That means the husband has to give sex to his wife, too. It’s mutual. Men have this strange idea that sex revolves around them. They think women have to “give them sex”, “fulfill their needs”, “put out”, etc. The Bible never says sex is just for men. It says both husbands and wives are to yield to each other. Women are owed sex, too. Husbands have to satisfy their wives, too. Women are sexually mature adults with a sex drive. They need sex, too. They don’t exist to give men sexual pleasure. Sex is for the benefit of both men and women. Sex does not revolve around men’s needs.
Really? Ephesians 22-24 comes to mind. Do you think “submit” doesn’t include sex? If not then why did Paul say “everything.” True, husbands should love their wives, etc. But sex is not an equity arrangement. Sure, there are some women who have a sex drive equal to or more than a man’s, but that is the exception.
Exactly! No one should do something they don’t want to do. I have a higher sex drive than my husband but I never pressure him to have sex. No means no. No spouse should feel used. That is not love. Spouses need humility and self-control. If a husband is selfishly demanding sex and using his wife for his own sexual pleasure, never caring about her pleasure, then he needs to examine his own behavior because he is certainly not loving her as Christ loved the Church. Sex should be more about giving than taking. It should be about showing love, not about pleasuring yourself. Husbands should be focused on giving their wives pleasure so they want to have sex. If all you’re doing is pleasuring yourself don’t get mad at your wife when she inevitably loses interest.
very interesting artlicle thanks for the inside
Actually there are a few exceptions to the “Never say no rule”. If you are sick or not in the mood, postponing sex is actually beneficial. Also remember that you are also an important individual, and deserve proper looking after as well as your husband.
very well said!
As a Follower of Christ, I want to walk,talk and live right as His Ambassador
I hear you. Was married & divorced. I’m alone over 20 yrs. And I stay away from dating. I don’t want to date just for the sake of it. I need to find someone who is serious about settling In marriage. Yes I believe your approach to Sex in marriage. We as a couple have to make it exciting and satisfactory for each other. I love sex but I made a pledge to be celibate until marriage.