Guess what?! Christian women talk about sex! Gasp! So if you’re looking for a marriage blog that shys away from this topic, my blog probably isn’t the one for you. I’ve never quite understood the aversion to the topic.
Because the way I look at it, if you have kids people know you’re having sex. If you’re married, chances are you’re having sex. You better be! I realize it’s a personal matter that is shared by only you and your husband but I don’t quite understand why it’s such a taboo subject among Christian wives.
In the first place, God made sex. In his infinite wisdom He designed men and women to fit perfectly together. He knows exactly how to meld two souls together and create a bond that in fact only He could design. It’s a wonderfully mysterious miracle.
But alas, we live in a broken world and the act of sex has unfortunately been twisted by the enemy. Not only does society over sexualize almost everything but also portrays sex as a tool of manipulation, an avenue to power, and a thrill that can be casually had at one’s whim. It’s heartbreaking. Maybe that’s why we don’t feel we can talk about it?
Let’s Talk About It
Still, I feel godly women should rise up and share the good news about sex! Song of Solomon would’ve been considered Fifty Shades back in its day. Scandalous. Please don’t send me hate mail about Fifty Shades and please don’t go read it. Read Song of Solomon. Ok, back on track…
I’ve been fortunate enough to have a few godly women share advice on this so super sensitive subject. Let me tell you, I am so thankful for the women brave and bold enough to share sex advice with me as a young married. Not only just sex advice, but sex advice that aligns with scripture. I’d like to pass that along to you.
Say No to Saying No
First, never reject him when he asks. Oh how I wish I could tell you I follow this and my Mr. has never been rejected. Wrong-oo! I still remember hearing this advice – sitting there pregnant with our third baby when a church mentor was telling us this tactic as a tool in her marriage “standard operating procedures” so to speak. It was a women’s retreat after the main speaker (yeah I don’t remember what they talked about) and 3-4 hotel rooms worth of young married women sat around this vetted wife who was willing to pour out advice and insight.
We were all rightfully astounded at this advice. The woman, let’s call her Lisa, talked about praying for the strength. She started doing so even before the wedding. She knew on her own it wouldn’t be possible but with God she could, would, do it. It is hard y’all! There are times when we’re holding on to some anger or resentment, avoiding an issue, or just don’t feel like it.
In addition to this Lisa shared wisdom on what rejection does to a man’s heart. Rejection can tear a man down little by little. It tells a man that he’s not worth it, that he’s not enough. One of a husband’s greatest emotional needs is respect. I struggle with understanding the difference between “love” and “respect”. So let’s dive a little deeper into this.
a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.
Synonyms for respect are awe, esteem, honor, adoration, and high regard. Can you see the direct correlation between sex and respect? In his eyes, a woman who esteems and adores her man is excited to have him in bed. Rejection completely squashes that feeling of respect for him.
Sex is not just an emotional need for a man. He physically needs sex. Understanding this opens a new perspective. We need to shower, eat, rest. In similar ways, your husband needs sex. Next time we’re simply not in the mood we can try to remember this and be willing. Rather than rejecting our husbands we can make the mental decision to give him this sacred gift that God created and focus on reacting to what feels good for us.
Keep It Interesting
When we were 21 years old, we had next door neighbors that had been married for years longer than we had (our whopping 3 years haha) and had two tween daughters. They really came beside us and lived life with us. They invited us to cook outs, helped us learn the basics of owning a home, and showed me how to make pinto beans (from actual dried beans! authentic!). The wife, we’ll call her Angie, mentored me as a young wife and mom of 2. She passed down so much advice! Yep, even some sex advice.
You have to change things up and keep it interesting. She explained – sex can get boring if it’s the same thing year after year. You have to be willing to mix things up and have fun. Disclaimer; all this mixing up we’re talking about needs to be under the umbrella of God’s authority. Don’t take it as advice to sin.
Angie advised against favoring one position over others and to try creative positions. I remember seeing that they genuinely enjoyed being around each other, which was something that I hadn’t really seen in any of the marriages in my family. She taught that sex wasn’t an obligation or duty. Sex should be fun! Throw the pillows. Rip a pair of underwear. Dance. Use the washing machine, shower, or hammock! Don’t take it too serious and have absurdly high expectations. Sometimes it’ll be long, sweaty passion. Other times, it’ll be casual and lighthearted. You can even laugh during sex! Whaaaa?! Mind. Blown.
Lastly, a family member once made the offhanded comment that she made it a habit to perform every other night. Her reason? Her husband “became a big baby if he didn’t get enough”! I think I might’ve peed a little laughing so hard. She said it affectionately so don’t think she was venting. She was bragging! This stuck with me. I can’t tell you how often my husband and I were intimate in the early years of marriage because I honestly didn’t even take notice. I realize now that that is an important priority to at least be aware of how often you give sex to your husband.
Has it been a week? Two? Do you even know? Get into the habit by marking in your phone calendar with some secret emoji. I have a friend that uses the eggplant. Another uses the wind gust. I’ll let you figure out what they represent. Ha! Whatever emoji you choose as your inside joke, you’ll at least be able to figure out how often you are with your husband intimately and make adjustments as you feel necessary.
Now, I realize some women can go months without sex. But I truly believe the more often you engage in sex with your husband, the more your body adapts to wanting it. Remember, sex is emotional but there’s physical science behind it too.
By and large, those 3 pieces of information have stuck with me for over a decade, becoming a part of my marriage. These practices are part of who I am as a wife. I hope they are as eye opening for you as they were for me so many years ago. These women probably don’t even realize how monumental their stories and advice were for me (& more than likely others they shared it with). I’m so thankful for the brave godly women that He has sent my way throughout my life so far and for His gift that is passionate, enjoyable married sex. Now quit blushing! 😉
READ RELATED: 4 TIPS FOR STAYING ENGAGED IN THE BEDROOM
UPDATE 11/22/2019: It’s been over a year since I originally published this advice and judging by comments here and on social media, it hit a nerve with many. This update is to clarify a few things. A man does not have the right to force himself on his wife. The Bible doesn’t allow it. The law doesn’t allow it. These tips are for healthy marriages. A marriage in which a husband loves his wife, would lay down his life for her, respects her boundaries, and makes kind advances towards her. I am a wife. Therefore the advice I give is directed only towards wives. I firmly believe that I am only responsible for my actions. The advice to never reject a husband’s request (keyword there!) for sex is the wife’s decision and only she can make it. The wife that made this decision though enjoyed the tremendous benefits of a healthy intimate relationship with her husband. In fact, all of these wives did. I encourage you to intentionally invest in your sex life with your husband.
Thank you for showing up to read!
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