Do you remember it being pounded into our brains when we were young women growing up? “Don’t have sex… Don’t have sex…. Don’t have sex.” …. “Don’t have sex!”
Now I’m not saying that’s necessarily a bad thing and I’m definitely not advocating premarital sex but what happens when we do get married and are then expected to start wanting, having and enjoying sex with our husbands on a fairly consistent basis? I would like to suggest that maybe we have a subconscious negative connotation with sex that can be a hinderance after we’ve married. Many women struggle to initiate and enjoy fulfilling sex. In fact, there’s a study that shows 5-6% of married men and women haven’t had sex in over a year! I’ve even heard of women that would go as far as saying sex is strictly for procreation and there’s nothing recreational about it. Umm, I beg to differ.
Tips for Staying Engaged in the Bedroom
There are ways we as wives can turn this around. Sex does not have to be a dreaded sacrifice! On the other hand, is it going to be this flawless experience of passion every time? No, and this is where grace comes in. You as a couple are going to have some times where something is just off. Give yourself permission to NOT be 100% perfect. You’re learning and constantly growing as a wife. We as women can educate ourselves, gain experience, and stay engaged in this beautiful, intimate area of marriage. This is where these tips come in. Here are a few I’ve learned.
1. Hint at it right before bed.
We all know how men and women are so different when it comes to sex drive. As women, we take longer to heat up and foreplay before even hitting the hay (sorry that sounds so country but it rhymes! lol!) can help a couple be on the same page when they do finally wrap up their day and get to climb between the sheets.
Walk up behind him and strategically place your hands and lay your head on his back. Bite your bottom lip. Slap his butt!! LOL! Start with a shoulder rub and work your way down. Make eye contact and give him those “hungry eyes”…sorry, I got distracted singing…what exactly are hungry eyes, anyway?! When he notices you looking at him, don’t break eye contact. Lock eyes and smile really big. He might ask you “What?!” but just keep the smile, shake your head, and say nothing, that you’re just looking at him (in a sexy, non defensive way of course). Any of these are great ways to subtly communicate to your man that you’re looking forward to spending time with him later.
2. Keep hands moving.
This tip came from a mentor at church and WHY haven’t I ever thought about this?! You know when something hits you as so obvious you can’t believe you weren’t already doing it? That was me when I heard this. It seems so basic yet it really does helps a wife stay engaged with her man in the bed. It relays that you’re involved and helps you stay engaged.
Whatever you do, don’t just lie there! This is important! (Hence the exclamation points 😉 ) The last thing you want to communicate to your man is that stoic body language that tells him he is really unwelcome but you’re doing your duty. How would we as wives like our husbands to basically tell us the same thing in regards to something? “I really don’t like you or want you around but you’re my wife so you’ve got to be here and I’ve got to do this.” That’s basically what they’re hearing when we just lie there.
3. Communicate with positivity.
No I’m not talking about the cheesy forced oooohhs and aahhhhs – insert major eye roll – another reason I’m not a big tv fan. Hollywood has waaaay over dramatized and altered perceptions about sex. Ok, rant over.
I’m talking about more communicative words like “yes” or “just like that” when he’s doing something that you enjoy. Let him know what he’s doing right. I guarantee he’ll do it more often. Also, it’s ok to ask for something specific that you enjoy him doing if you know your Mr. is willing and enjoys it as well! Wives are always asking for more communication. Let’s practice what we preach in the bedroom. This is where learning about yourself and educating yourself comes into play. In order to communicate that you like something you kind of have to know what you like. Experiment with different positions with him, know your anatomy, know what works well for the two of you. This comes with practice. Practice often. 😉
4. Focus & respond to how it feels.
We tend to get in bed and our man gets frisky and our minds are racing on about tomorrow’s to do list, work deadlines, that friend or family member we’ve been dealing with, or even what we hope does or doesn’t happen in the next several minutes. When all this is taking place, we’ve really got to hone our thoughts and focus on the task at hand (no pun intended). It’s about staying engaged with your mind as well as the rest of your body. Here’s a hint – try to think about how good it feels and react to that. It will help you respond physically and increase enjoyment. In addition, sometimes I’ll even pray beforehand that God will help me to be the wife I’m meant to be in that moment. It’s radical, it’s crazy. It works.
Celebrate – we’ve come so far
Lastly, let’s look at how far we’ve come. I once read a letter from a mother to her newly married daughter that was dated centuries old. The letter for her wedding day spoke so distastefully about sex, warning the daughter how awful it would be and giving the advice to just dutifully bear it. Sex doesn’t have to be this horrible experience for the wives!!! Learn to stay engaged in the bedroom and enjoy this imperfect, beautiful gift God gave a husband and wife. Stay engaged by initiating the emotional foreplay earlier in the evening, mentally focusing and responding to how it feels for us, using our hands consistently and positive words occasionally when applicable. Try it sometime & enjoy your Mr.!
You’re welcome 😉
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